"You never did like to be tied down, did you?" his text today read. And as my eyes skimmed over the words, I was immediately taken back to a moment. A moment on the beach at sunset. A blanket, a picnic basket and quite a few tears. "I just can't do it right now" I said. "I knew it." he replied. "That's all I needed you to tell me". The next day he was on a flight home, he was gone. And I, I was free.
Though this conversation on the beach happened over three years ago, my conversation with him today made me realize how much of me has changed, yet how much of me is still the same. You see, my freedom, my independence, the very thing that has brought me so many adventures and experiences in my lifetime, is the same thing that has for years, pushed people away. My ability to be free is one of my greatest qualities and one of my worst. It is initially what attracts people to me and in the end, it is what drives them away. It is the push and shove, the back and forth, the eventual and often times expected, "I'm not ready".
I'm not ready to be with you, i'm not ready to take this job, i'm not ready to stay here, to settle, to start a life. I'm never ready. Yet his text message got me thinking... when will I be ready? At what point in my life will I stop running, stop moving, slow down and start something that will last, and last forever?
As my six month mark at my job has come and gone and my year mark here in the Mile High City inches closer, I wonder if i'm making progress (if it can even be called that). I wonder if i'm taking steps in the direction towards slowing down and finding myself through establishing a life in one place rather than discovering bits and pieces of myself while constantly being on the move. I wondered, how the words of someone who knew me better than myself so long ago, yet barely knows me today, could have such an affect on my thoughts and feelings after this much time has passed.
"How the hell does he know whether or not i'm ready to be tied down, it's been three years since then" I thought to myself, reading too far into his words and letting his statement weigh on my mind and on my heart. Yet after some serious thinking outloud with my roommate and even more soul searching within, I have come to the conclusion that when push actually comes to shove, i'm still not there. I knew what I was letting go of that night on the beach and as hard as it was then, I still stand by my decision today. And while he is building a house and a home with someone else, giving life to her dreams, I am still giving life to my own dreams, learning myself, learning the world and absolutely not letting myself be tied down.... Just yet.
